Yoga has changed my life, I bang on about that to anyone I meet. I say it has been instrumental in my recovery from PTSD, helped me release old patterns, grounded me and brought me peace. That and meditation, plus mindfulness.
There is a saying “yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self”, when I first read it I actually laughed out loud. Say what?! There are many yoga sayings that sound a bit out there, but as you practice it makes a lot of sense. Basically your self is the core of who you are, not the shell, the pretty clothes, makeup, not the shitty moods, not the judgement of others. The self is love.
yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self
There is another meme (can you tell I spend too much time on the net?!) that says “unfuck yourself, be who were, before all that stuff happened to dim your fucking shine” It’s the crass version of the above yoga version.. yes seriously! haha.
Clearly no one is the same, the amount of things we let weigh us down, bring us down and hang around vary. A friend asked “why can’t I love myself? I want to”. Well it was a lot more than that and far less simply put, but I am a basic kind of gal. Let’s get to what I believe is true.
When we are born we are perfect. We are the most perfect version of ourself. We don’t have all the weight of the world upon us. We are love. We are loved. We are fed, cuddled, kissed, nurtured. We call out and our needs are met. Some of us weren’t, for those that weren’t your journey to self love starts here.
You need to find the place where you moved away from self. Self is love. You are love, your core is love. If you were neglected or abused as a child, physically, emotionally or sexually, this is where your self doubt started. This is where you first broke, where your first layer of protection came about. I am not a medical professional, I don’t have all the answers, but I know none of these things are your fault. I am sending you love, yes you and all of you who have been through this. You need professional help to heal this part. Speak to someone. You will not have the self care and love for yourself that you deserve til you do. This kind of pain will eat through to all areas of your life. You deserve peace, you are worth it.
I was a mad Alanis Morisette fan as a young adult. When I started to write this, the song ‘Perfect’ came to me. Do you remember the lyrics?
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love
Don’t forget to win first place
Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You’ve got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You’ve gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn’t good enough
To make us proud
I’ll live through you
I’ll make you what I never was
If you’re the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I’m doing this for your own damn good
You’ll make up for what I blew
What’s the problem…why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther nowfor
That wasn’t fast enough
To make us happy
We’ll love you just the way you are
If you’re perfect.
Let me tell you a secret. No one is ever going to be good enough for everyone.Unfortunately some of us will never be good enough for our parents. Know that this is about them, not you. They are, like us responsible for their own happiness, NOTHING you could have done, or will do, will satisfy them if they are like the parents in the above song.
This is the place you have to go if this is where your self doubt started. Forgive yourself, you were a child. That child was learning, bodies and brains developing. Your parent fucked up, not you if they expected something from you that you were not capable of, perfection. Their skewed version of it. Forgive them. Forgive them. Forgive them so you can let go of that pain and hurt. No, they probably don’t deserve it, but YOU DO. Let it go. If you can’t then get professional help. Meditate, do yoga, run, cry, talk to friends, whatever you need to do. LET THAT SHIT GO.
No, they probably don’t deserve it, but YOU DO. Let it go.
Anger is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to die. Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Kids are the most honest people. BAHAHAHAHA! Nope, kids are humans, they are mirroring their parents behaviours or just testing out responses and reactions to things. Sometimes they say awful, mean things.
We all want to belong. We all want to be chosen for the sports team, for the game, we all want to be liked and have a friend. We all want that invite to the birthday party. Maybe you weren’t invited to parties, maybe you were called stupid names..These things stay with us unless we find a way to let them go.
My self love journey starts here. I never felt good enough.
I moved schools at age 10, I was a plain looking kid with a silly cowlick and glasses. Pre puberty I was a little chubby. I don’t know why exactly or when, but I can tell you I am peeling the layers and digging deep. I look at photos now and am dumbfounded. I don’t see a fat person, or even a sad person. I see a smiling kid. I was anxious and insecure. I know how I felt and I know that my feelings don’t match the outside at all.
My Nan used to tell us all we were her favourite. I like to believe she wanted us all to feel special, rather than she liked to keep us divided. She would tell me when no one was around “your sister is the pretty one, but you’re the smart one, you’re my favourite”. What?!
Your inner voice is the voices you heard growing up.
Let that sink in! Your inner voice is the voices of the people who influenced us growing up. I recently have heard this and as a parent that is bloody terrifying! No wonder I take this parenting gig seriously! In Dru Yoga we say “let your words be in line with your intentions”. We can say one thing and mean another. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Think about the intent behind what you do and say. I accidentally gave my son a complex about being slim. I call him a skinny minny, I call my oldest daughter bony macaroni. This comes from growing up in a society that places value on thinness. To me those names are compliments. It’s ingrained in me that being slim is good, slim nicknames are good. As it’s ingrained that chubby, curvy, fat is bad. I heard a lot growing up that I was chubby. Puppy fat is the one that my family loved! Puppy fat!! wtf?! What did I hear ? fat. As a kid I didn’t know that meant when I grow into a fully grown dog, I’d be lean. bahahah. See how stupid it is that simple and “harmless” things become our inner voice. That these things take us away from self, build walls of protection, fucked layers of doubt.
This wasn’t daily. This was occasionally. So imagine a beautiful innocent child who is called names daily. Your inner voice is a liar. Your inner voice needs a kick out of your life. You deserve better. You are not what you were told you are. You are at your core, amazing, wonderful and unique.YOU CAN CHANGE THAT VOICE.
Goodness, we haven’t even gotten to the teenage years yet!! OMG! If you were blessed with storybook teen years, I am a little jealous. Teenagers can be brutal. All those raging hormones. All the angst. Trying to fit in, trying to work out who we are, who we want to be. Career choice, work choice, some of you were even having babies amongst all of that! I was married at 19 and built a house. Here is a wedding picture. I was 50 something kilograms and believed I was fat. Crazy right? See what we do to ourselves.
If you grew up with religion that adds a whole new and complex layer to things. If we didn’t have enough to contend with, with hormones and life choices we can add in religious guilt. You are perfectly formed in God’s image, but you are a disgusting sinner. When you think about kissing or heaven forbid bonking that boy (or girl) you are B.A.D…whorish..haha. This could be another huge blog in itself, am I right?!
Can you see the points I am making? Self love is hard work. You need to go back to the places where the pain, guilt, self talk, rejection all took place and sort that shit out. I can hear the groans, “but you don’t know my story” No, I don’t. I do know this : YOU ARE WORTH IT. I believe in you. I am worth it, I believe in me.
Sometimes you need someone to say “Get on with it”! What is holding you back from being the person you are meant to be? Most often it’s ourselves.
I tell people and this comes from experience. It is much easier to stay as we are than change. It takes zero effort. It is much easier to complain about your life, your relationship, your body, your lack of self love than it is to actually do anything about these things. So we can stay as we are and miss out on all the blessings, joys and experiences of actually living or we can do this.
I recently discovered Meredith Marple. This lady has the goods. She has the words. I posted this quote of hers on instagram this morning. It inspired this post.
For me then came abusive relationships, controlling relationships, shitty bosses, witnessing my son be attacked by a dog, a house fire, a miscarriage, poverty, my kids accident, the death of my son, people abusing positions of power, sexual assaults!! So yes. I understand. I really, really do. It is hard. It is hard to move past things that take us away from self. From self love. I have struggled most with FORGIVENESS.
Forgiving yourself is the hardest part of self acceptance. The hardest part of self love and care. Sometimes shit things happen to good people. What we do with that is what makes us who we are. Along with self acceptance, self love and self care comes my favourite thing of all…..GREATFULNESS…Give thanks.
With all of the things above that I briefly mentioned I can still find the good. The good in me and the good in others. It has taken time, effort, persistence, but there it is. When we peel away the layers and become ‘ourselves’, be prepared to lose friends, gain friends, lose jobs, gain jobs, move away from our partner and bring our partner closer. Like attracts like, birds of a feather and all that jazz..haha (excuses all my old people sayings).
You are worth it.
Jazz – just wingin it.