There are a million and one things I am so grateful for. SO MANY THINGS…So, in the name of not boring you with all the wonder, here is a list of things I am too old for or in other words, give no fucks about. Enjoy.
1 – Caring about whether you think I am a good person. A quote I love is this “be a good person but don’t waste time trying to prove it”.
2 – The latest and greatest diet product. NO, NOPE, FUCK NO. Been there done that, have the t shirt. I know what works, eat less shit, move more often. Wow! Amazing
3 – Parenting advice from supposed experts! Fuck off. Don’t care. Unless you’re preaching to love more, hug more, treat your kids like actual people, talk to them….The rest is fillers…filling our minds with more shit I give no fucks about. Also I know my kids know they are loved and at the end of the day and their last breath, you will know that’s what mattered.
4 – Entertaining our kids 24/7 , that’s a big fuck no from me. Mummy will engage and chat and play, but I am not your entertainment. Use your imagination.
5 – Shopkins!! That’s a big FUCK NO from me. I am not buying my daughter teeny tiny shitful rubber/plastic things that will get stuck in my vacuum, not now, not ever. If anyone buys them for her they will donated to charity…not even kidding!
6 – Shit wine. If you’re gonna be a booze hound, at least drink something that doesn’t assault the taste buds. If you can’t taste the difference then don’t waste your money on good wine!! Haha, but don’t buy me shit wine. This is the only time that the saying “it’s the thought that counts” is wrong!
7 – Your drama! Seriously, if you’ve got a real problem and ask for help, I will if I can. Dramatic bullshit that is your own doing because you have no real problem, nope, no fuck no. Run along.
8 – People who are mean with money. If you are not poor be generous. Tight asses piss me off more than most things. Maybe I have a few “Christian values and beliefs” ingrained “give and it shall be given unto you” Has always, always worked. Pay it forward mofo! If you have a roof over your head, bills paid and food in your fridge you are FUCKING RICH compared to most on this beautiful planet. Giving enriches the lives of others and you will be surprised how it will enrich yours. Give it a go.
9 – Whilst we’re on finances, people earning more than 60K a year telling me they are poor. NO! No you are not. I lived on 20K a year with a family for a couple of years. Hard to imagine. It was tough, but do you know what, I never moaned about money to others. There is ALWAYS someone worse off and if you earn 80K+ a year and tell me you’re poor I will secretly think you’re a dick…or now not so secretly.
10 – Buying the latest and greatest to impress people. No one gives a fuck and those that do are miserable, vacuous boring empty shells. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love designer things, good quality and fancy as fuck, but I would never want anyone to put themselves in debt trying to impress people by having them. DUMB. I’d rather a beautiful kind soul in a $1 op shop dress than a cunt in Gucci. (s’cuse my French). Yes you can quote me.
11 – Dick pics. BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH. WHAT?! Yes, every day there is a photo of a dick in my inbox. I am too old for that shit, what do you think I am going to do? Leave my husband and family for your almighty good looking cock? Nope. I may look and think “yeah not too ugly”, “it’s a shorty”, “it’s a cervix jabber”…BUT I will block and delete you after showing my husband what a knob jockey you are.
12 – Internet jerkfaces , You know the person that has to be an argumentative jerk, say mean things, put people down. It’s tempting! I know, sometimes I see an outfit that is fugly as sin and think eww, or someone saying that non vax parents are child abusers and I want to tear them a knew a-hole, but I am a grown ass woman and stop myself. Try that! Move from the keyboard, breathe real air, talk to a real life person. It soon passes.
13 – Kids screaming in public places and parents not trying to console, calm or quieten them. I will smile at you because I know parenting is bloody tough, but you’re in a public space, for the love of serenity please TRY and calm them. Before any one bangs on about special needs, that is not what I am meaning. Stop being #12 LOL
14 – Bloggers trawling through Instagram nitpicking other bloggers, you’re an asshole. There’s a huge cyber world out there, there is room for all of us. One bloggers success doesn’t take from yours. Stop being a jerkface bitch.
15 – Your judgement. Too old, don’t care. Another fab quote “what others think of you is none of your business”
16 – Rude shop assistants, waiters and anyone in customer service. Too old for that shit, do you want your job or not? Loads of people desperate for work, let them have it. A smile won’t kill you and you’ll get my cash if you just try, even a little not to be a miserable bastard.
17 – Middle aged bloggers writing ranty blogs about things they are too old for. Bahahahha. Oh. C’mon that’s a little funny.
18 – MLM! You’re thinking, OMG, Don’t you sell Young Living? Isn’t that MLM. There is MLM and there are people genuinely just trying to run a small business. The MLM I’m talking is the constant posting to Facebook about an “amazing opportunity”, “Miracle potions”, “Pushy pushy messages”, I am happy to look at and support your new venture, I can’t tell you the amount of shit I’ve bought supporting others, But don’t ram it down my throat, I’ll vomit. Don’t pressure me, I get grumpy.
19 – People who are offended by everything! *insert eye roll. If you’re one of those people you will be unfollowing me right now. Bye. I can not and will not be anything other than my authentic self, if that offends you I am not your type of person, that’s cool, go be offended somewhere else.
20 – People who hate people who swear (often the same people as #19). Swearing is a “sentence enhancer”…..well, kinda, sorta, it works for me. If you are going to be offended by something let it be worthwhile, be offended by people starving, inadequate healthcare, be offended by the elderly sitting alone for days at a time, be offended by inequality….Swearing is words, don’t like them, move along. Don’t like swearing, don’t bloody swear!
I am too old for all of these things and more! What are you too old for? I’d love a laugh…
Much Love Jazz xoxox