Well, it’s been a quiet blogging year from me. As the end of the year approaches I get a weird sense of melancholy. Tick, tick, tick, unfortunately with PTSD and anxiety sufferers we have a weird lingering feeling of doom at times.
I am scared, scared that one day I will take my last breath and feel like I didn’t do enough, see enough, feel enough (or even that I felt too deeply). Regret is the pits. Guilt and regret both emotions I have tackled. I don’t think I am quite there yet with dealing with my guilt. Mother’s guilt is a Mother Fucker! Nothing quite like it.
I have watched my amazing children achieve so many things this year. I am so very proud. Chelsea went off to her first Senior School dinner, professional makeup and hair, pretty frock. The look on her face when she saw herself in the mirror was priceless. She felt beautiful. It made me happy and broke my heart in equal measure.
I put on a happy face, wheeled her into the dinner and left her with friends, teachers and support workers who all saw that she felt as fabulous as she looked. The biggest smile and squeals as she enjoyed the music and watched everyone dance.
I got in the car and as my husband drove us home I bawled my eyes out. All I can do is give Chelsea a life as normal as possible to that of any other teenage girl. The thing is these precious moments, albeit precious bring home the pain of how different she is.
She will never have a partner, she will never go to University, never have a first job, never have babies. So many first times were taken from her when she had her accident and that pain never leaves me.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and Chelsea received an award in front of hundreds of Henley High students, staff and families. Fighting back the tears again, I was reminded of how very grateful I am that she is very much loved. Her beaming smile, her sense of belonging and community. So proud.
I am honest to a fault and this year has been tough, i dragged through the first half of the year with an extra weight of depression sitting on my chest. Ten years since the kids accident. My baby boy has been gone as long as he was here. I can’t put into words what that feels like. There are no words. As time passes by the pain is less intense day to day, then bam, anniversaries seem to hit harder.
Worse than the pain is the loss of memories. I forget his voice, I forget some of the fun things we did together.
There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled. This year has been hard.
Little Miss E finished the Kindy year splendidly, gaining confidence and building resilience. My heart swelled with pride to read that she above all else is kind. She had helped the children with extra needs, comforted those who were having a tough day. A beautiful soul.
I giggled to read she has a ‘sense of justice’ and seeks retribution from those who have wronged her!! So very much like me. Do me wrong and expect I’ll ask for an apology. A little bit of kindness and a little bit of toughness, that’s what we all need to survive this world.
She also joined ballet mid year. It was wonderful to watch her do her best week after week, then after a very cute concert, 3 costume changes and some loud singing, she told me it was “the best night of her life” and then thanked me for taking her.
I believe she is a gift, a gift to our family, a gift to others.
As she heads to school next year I will miss her so much.
Last, but never least, my middle child Darcy. So proud of his achievements. Turned his grades around, dealt with changes in his friendship circle and family issues on the other side of his family. I see a confident, kind young man emerging. Off to High School next year and looking forward to it.
I mentioned to friends that I hadn’t really done anything remarkable this year. I had no project or self development plan in action. I didn’t hike mountains, travel overseas, didn’t get fit, sometimes I barely took care of myself. I drank a little too much (never drinking again, again!) ate too much, cried too much. In spite of that my husband loved and supported me. Gave me space when I felt like running and held me together when I was falling apart. Sometimes he knows me better than I know myself. I like him a lot. Think I’ll keep him.
I sometimes have to look back to see how much better I am these days. I sat on the Governing council at the Kindy, I helped with every single excursion, I got up and got on with it. I went to ballet practices, organised costumes, made sure all the kids were supported, loved and made it through another year.
That may not seem like a big deal, but to someone who is recovering from PTSD and anxiety it is huge. I am proud of myself.
We had a few other family things going on, a close family member was diagnosed with cancer. Luckily caught in time and treatment was surgery. Thank the Gods no chemo or radiation. It broke my heart when my heart was already breaking. So glad it was caught in time.
Dysfunctional family stuff also broke my heart, but it is all a teaching experience. I always ask myself when I am sad, angry, or upset at a situation “what the fuck is the lesson here?” #namaste #zenasfuck LOL.
The lesson that I have learnt this year is, You can love people from a distance. You can let go of toxic friendships and relationships but actually send them love and mean it.
To all the people who have hurt me this year, I forgive you. To those I have hurt, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me too. None of us really know what the fuck we are doing, right? But admitting that takes a true openness of heart.
Thank you to my beautiful friends. Every single one of you who accept me however I show up. Fat, skinny, mouthy, quiet, on top of the world or scraping it in. I am so very grateful. You may not realise how your words of kindness, honesty and even laughing with or at me changes my world.
Thankyou to those who read my blogs, follow my page and especially to the small beautiful community we have created in my private group. You wonderful women add so much joy to my life ( and a couple of top blokes).
A special thanks to my beautiful friend who has given me the courage to start blogging again. You might not even know who you are.
So here we are, almost Christmas. the end of the year closing in. I am happy to leave this one and start a fresh one. Here’s to leaving behind Mother’s guilt, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of shame and anything that takes away from how wonderful we all are.
We’re all just wingin’ it after all.
As always Jazz, on the money and beautifully said.
I’ve watched from a far for a while now. I’m both intimidated by you and in awe of the amazing courage, strength and integrity you exude!
Thank you for being a voice of honesty.
Merry Christmas xxx
Merry Xmas 🙂 Here’s to a wonderful 2019
Veronica sinicropi says
Oh Jazz you are a wonderful person an a breath of fresh air i truly miss our gigGles at yoga ?Keep on keeping on. your children look like they are well adjusted and your mothering shines thrOugh. Merry christmas to you and you beautiful family and maybe in 2019 we can have a coffee catchup in person xx
Jane Magor says
Jazz you are a beautiful soul i Have followed ypu for a while. I lovr that you are real, hones, genuine and You. I wish you and your BEAUTIFUL family a Merry Christmas ? and bright, healthy 2019
Much Love ?