Dear Callum, I’m sorry…

I’m sorry that today I can’t smile. I can’t smile when I hear your name. I can’t smile when I see your photos. You see, today you would have been 19! I’m sorry I can’t say Happy Birthday. That I can’t watch you grow into the wonderful man I am sure you would have been.

 

   

I’m sorry I yelled a little too much and hugged little too often.

They say we know the depth of love we felt, by the pain we feel when our loved ones are gone. My heart breaks. As the years go by I hope that the pain is less, but it’s not, it’s the same. The ability to cope grows stronger and through gratefulness the capacity to love others grows bigger. The pain in my chest and the twist in my gut remains.

The ability to cope grows stronger and through gratefulness the capacity to love others grows bigger

I go to your grave on your birthday. Just one day each year. I am sorry it is not more, but it wrecks me. It opens the wound and pours in the salt. It’s like losing you all over again and no one can survive this pain, no one.

   

Sometimes I think I see you in the corner of my eye or hear the whisper of your voice. I like to think we are connected for eternity and you are happy to see how things are now.

Elise is a funny girl and so very loving, you would have adored her like you did Chelsea. Darcy is almost a teenager quiet and changing. I wonder what it would be like if you were still here. Would you be driving them around, babysitting, giving Darcy shit. Would you have a girlfriend, what would she be like? Would she be good enough for my handsome son?

Your friend Emily contacted me again, she is having a tattoo in your memory. A lizard of course, you loved all the creepy crawlies. I wonder if you were here whether you’d laugh and ruffle my hair or roll your eyes at the stories of your younger days…. I wonder a lot.

I wonder a lot, but not every day, you see I need to parent through love and not through grief. My grief is my own, not your brother and sisters. Their Mum is a different one to the one you knew. An ever changing, ever growing one. Part of this because of you. A lot of this is from losing you.

They say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I am so fucking strong, except for this, except for this day. It’s hard to breathe. It’s hard to think. 

So, I am sorry I can’t say Happy Birthday. There is no happiness today.

I love you bigger than the whole world. My monkey bum son. I miss you Callum. I am sorry.

Always your Mum.

Often Just Wingin it.
xoxoxo